I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
