mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
