tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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