My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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