Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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