I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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