So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
