allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
