wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
