I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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