well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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