If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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