Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
