How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
