My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
