I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
