Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
