so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
