my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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