Sry I called you an 8
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
