drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I would ride that face into the sunset
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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