You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
