Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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