i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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