I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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