I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
