Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
