She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
