I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
