So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
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Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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