I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
