$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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