FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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