When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
