my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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