u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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