apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she told me i tasted like america
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
