Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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