oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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