I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
