You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
