did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
