Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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