if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How does one acquire holy water?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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