I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
