Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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