I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
