Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
