70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
