I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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