are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
