so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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