I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I want to fling myself into the sun
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
