the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
