I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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