yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
