how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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