1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
