i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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